South Park Return of Chef (Alternate Episode)
"Previously on South Park..." Kyle, Cartman and Kenny are playing with their toy trucks and cars under a tree in the neighborhood park. The basketball court, slide, and grass are cleared of snow. Stan runs up to them Stan: You guys, you guys! Chef is going away. others look up at him Kyle: Going away? For how long? Stan Forever. to the boys in the school kitchen, watching Chef pack up his apron Chef: I'm sorry boys. to Chef in a bookstore Stan: Chef said he's been bored, so he joining a group called the Super Adventure Club. opens a pamphlet about the club Chef: Wow! to Chef in Mrs. Garrison's classroom Mrs. Garrison: Chef?? What kind of questions do you think adventuring around the world is gonna answer?! Chef: What's the meaning of life? Why are we here? !Mrs. Garrison: I hope you're making the right choice. house, day. Cartman crying in front of Butters, in the middle of the living room Cartman: I'm gonna miss him. walks forward a few steps and puts his hand on the sofa I'm gonna miss Chef and I...and I don't know how to tell him! his head left and cries into his left arm and Kyle sit on a log by Stark's Pond watching the sun set Stan: Dude, how are we gonna go on? Chef was our fuh...f-ffriend. draws close and hugs him to a meeting room in City Hall. The room is decorated with balloons and a sign saying "Good Luck, Chef!!" hangs over the town mayor Mayor McDaniels: And we will all miss you, Chef, watches from a nearby table but we know you must do what your heart tells you.. Chef boards a Super Adventure Club jet. The town is out to see him off at the airport. Jimbo: Bye-bye! Gerald: Good-bye! Mr. Mackey: So long! A Man: So long, Chef! A Sign-Holder: Good-bye, Chef! Randy: Good-bye, Chef! Have a great time with the Super Adventure Club! Chef: waves Good-bye! into the plane and disappears from the door. The door closes and the plane taxis away. The town waves good-bye to Chef again and Cartman bawls uncontrollably in a high-pitched voice. The plane climbs into the sky.. And now, Part Two of "Life Without Chef" '' ''boys are playing Uno in Stan's house. Their insults to each other are flat now that Chef is gone. Kyle: Draw two card, fatass. Cartman: two and puts one down Reverse to you, Jew. doorbell rings Stan: irritable I'll get it. and walks over. He opens the door... Chef: Hello there, children! Stan: He's back! Kyle: Yeah! Cartman: All right! comes out of nowhere. Chef gives them a group hug Kyle: Chef! I can't believe you're back! Chef: Well, it's true. Stan: But are you back for good? Chef: That's right. bar, daytime. Mrs. Garrison bursts through the door with the big news. Mrs. Garrison: Hey everybody! Chef's back! Patrons: What? All right! Yeah! clear the bar to meet Chef Randy: Oh, finally! away gleefully after the others house, later. Jimbo serves up lemonade. Everyone is laughing at Chef's tales, but they quiet down Gerald: Wow! It seems like you had a great time with the Super Adventure Club, Chef. They sound like really interesting people. Chef: Yeah! Mrs. Garrison: But now that you're back here, does that mean that you're not in the Super Adventure Club anymore? Chef: N-no! No. Randy: Ohhh, so have you decided you can still belong to the Super Adventure Club but live here in South Park again? Chef: That's right. Randy: Well, it seems like the Super Adventure Club was just what you needed, Chef. You must be feeling very happy that you found a club to belong to with new friends, but that you can also live here in South Park with all your old friends whom you care for deeply. his breath Right? Chef: That's right, Randy! laughs approvingly Jimbo: Well Chef, you're welcome to stay with me until you buy another house. Chef: Thank you, Jimbo. Randy: Well, come on everybody. I'm sure Chef would like a little time to get moved back in. Chef: That's right! Thank you. Good-bye everybody. Townsfolk: Later. Great to have you back. Bye-bye. See ya Chef. See you later. Bye-bye Kyle: Well, I- guess we'll see you in school tomorrow, Chef. Chef: You bet! Good-bye, children! boys are puzzled at the way he's replying to them. It sounds choppy. Stan: Right. Uh, see ya. Jimbo's house. The boys walk down the steps and move toward the sidewalk Cartman: Uh, guys? Did Chef seem a little, uh, trippy to you? Stan: The others stop too. Stan looks up Well, look. he said he's happier now. Maybe he just needs to rest up a little. Kyle: Yeah. I'm sure whatever that Super Adventure Club does is pretty tiring. Stan: left and cross the street. The others follow Yeah, but whatever, I'm just glad he's back for good. Kenny: (Yeah, me too.) Park Elementary, lunchtime. The floor is darker now A Boy: one of the tables It's really weird what he said. I don't know, it kind of confused me. Cartman: Oh boy oh boy, I can't wait to have Chef's lunch food again. Kyle: Yeah. I hope he makes his Salisbury steak with buttered noodles! distraught Clyde walks by and stops. Clyde: You guys, you guys. Stan: What? Clyde: Something's wrong with Chef. He's saying some really weird stuff. Kyle: Like what? Clyde: I think... at his food I think he wants to have sex with me. Stan: What?? Clyde: I gotta- I gotta go. right and walks off Kyle: Weirdo. moves up and gets his lunch; the boys follow him in Chef: Hello there, children! The Boys: Hey Chef. Chef: How's it goin'? Kyle: Good. Chef: Well, how about I meet you boys after work and we make love? Cartman: boys are stunned Excuse me? Chef: Come on, children! You're my sexual fantasy. Let's all make sweet love. Kyle: ...Chef?? A-are you okay? Chef: I want to stick my balls inside your rectum, Kyle. Stan: Dude, what are you saying?? Chef: I'm gonna make love to your asshole, children. Stan: ...WHAT?? Mackey's office, later. A detective is in waiting to talk to the class Det. Jarvis: Hi kids, I'm Detective Jarvis. I need to ask you all some difficult questions about your school cafeteria chef. Kyle: This doesn't make any sense! Det. Jarvis: We have some information that all this time Chef has been and still is a pedophile. Stan: No, he's not. Det. Jarvis: voice Uh huh. Stan: No, he's not. Det. Jarvis: voice Yeah, yeah he is so. Butters: What's a pedophile? Det. Jarvis: Now, we need some testimony in order to arrest Chef, out generic plush doll with no features on it so I'm gonna use this doll to ask you kids a few questions. Did Chef ever touch any of you... here? to the genital area Stan: NO! Det. Jarvis: Okay, did he touch you here? two fingers over the groin The Class: NO! Det. Jarvis: the doll on his right lap and starts rubbing the doll's nipples Did he ever do this? How about this? the doll to his face and wags his tongue over the doll's genital area Butters: My Uncle Bud did that to me once! unwittingly Det. Jarvis: off the desk and walks around Did Chef ever try one of these on for size? the doll face down on the desk and starts humping it Kyle: Goddammit, Chef isn't like that! Something funny is going on around here! Det. Jarvis: humping Young man, will you PLEASE pay attention! This is very important stuff! Ohhh. Ohhhhhh. Park Elementary, after school. The kids pour out of the school. The boys come out last, and the doors close. Chef appears before them Chef: Hello there, children! Kyle: boys look at each other Chef, the police are asking questions about you! Chef: Oh really? Well, let's all go home and make love. Stan: No, Chef, we don't wanna make love to you! Chef: Kenny, how would you like to sodomize my black ass? Kyle: Chef, CHEF! You need to get out of here before you get arrested, all right?! Chef: I specialize in your asshole, Kyle. and walks away Cartman: ...Man, I can't believe all this time, Chef just wanted us for sex. Kyle: He didn't want us for sex, fatass! Something is making him say those things. Kenny: (Like what?) Kyle: Something must have happened to Chef while he was gone. Maybe he hit his head or, or got stuck in some quantum time vortex. Stan: Well look: he spent the last three months with that adventurers' club. Maybe they know what happened to him. Kenny: (Yeah! I think...) Cartman: Yeah! Kyle: All right, come on guys! Super Adventure Club, day. The club is a rambling house several stories tall, and access to it is just one ragged rope bridge. The entrance to the bridge reads "Super Adventure Club." The boys approach it calmly and walk upon the bridge. Cartman: Hey you guys, you know what they call a Jewish woman's boobs? Jewbs. step off on the other side and approach the front door. Stan reaches over and pulls the rope that rings the house's bell. A black butler opens up Butler: May I help you. Kyle: Ahh, hi, can we speak to the head guy or something? Butler: Right this way. boys enter and the butler leads them to the Head Adventurer: Now, the upper rim of Kilimanjaro should be quite a trek, and so we'll need to have a- Butler: Excuse me, sir. These boys wanted to speak with you. Head Adventurer: Ahh yes, splendid! Good afternoon, lads! I'm Head Adventurer William P. Connolly, Esquire! Welcome, to the Super Adventure Club! Club Members: Tally ho! Mr. Connolly: Indeed! Kyle: Uh, hi. Our friend joined your club a while back, and now he wants to molest kids. members just look around Mr. Connolly: What? Well... well yes, of course! That's what the Super Adventure Club does! Cartman: ...Huh? Marksman: We travel the world and have sex with children! Marine: Yes, what else would we do? Kyle: Well, we thought you went exploring and like, hunting and stuff! Mr. Connolly: Noo, no, that's the Adventure Club. We're the Super Adventure Club! and approaches a world map from maybe two centuries ago Next week, we'll be heading to the outer banks of the Amazon, where we will make camp and have sex with children of the Ugani tribe, then it's off to the mighty Himalayas, where we will climb K-2, and molest several Tibetan children on the east summit. Kyle: ...Dude! Mr. Connolly: I know, but it gets even better! From there we will kayak to the fruitful banks of the Mele River in Africa, where the secret and mysterious Hanimi people have children who have never seen a white man's erect penis. Of course, we're always looking for kids to have sex with on the plane rides over to these places, so how would you ALL like to join the Super Adventure Club! Stan: NO!! Mr. Connolly: No? Oh really? Perhaps I should ask you again? out a portable hypnotizer and makes some whistling sound effects How would you like to join the Super Adventure Club? sound effects !Stan: unaffected No! Connolly tries harder, even stepping forward... Kyle: Dude, what are you doing?! Mr. Connolly: at his machine Oh well, it doesn't work on everybody. it behind his back Well, so long then. Kyle: Just what the hell is that thing?! !. Connolly: What? What thing? I don't see anything. Kyle: HA! I knew it! Stan: Knew what? Kyle: The reason Chef has been saying those terrible things about us is because he's been brainwashed! By this - fruity little club! Cartman: Oh, son of a bitch! J. Neeland, psychiatry. Chef and the boys are in the waiting room with a woman reading a magazine. Chef: Come on, children. Let's all go home and make love. Stan: You need to see a psychiatrist, Chef. It's for your own good. Chef: I just like to make love up your butt. Woman: away Oh my God! Nurse: out to get the next patient Mr. Chef, is it? Kyle: All right, come on. follow the nurse in Dr. Neeland: Hello, I'm Dr. Neeland. What can I do for you today? Kyle: Hi, uh- our friend has been brainwashed by some fruity little club. Dr. Neeland: Chef Brainwashed. Stan: Yeah, he joined the Super Adventure Club, and they convinced him having sex with children was okay with a little thing that goes whrrrrrr. Dr. Neeland: I thought that club was for hiking and kayaking. Stan: No, that's the Adventure Club. The Super Adventure Club has sex with children. Dr. Neeland: Oh. ...Oh, that's right, yeah. on flash light and starts examining Chef Chef: Doctor, do you have- children? Dr. Neeland: Why, yes, I have two young boys. Chef: Have you all been sodomizing your children too? Dr. Neeland: You say he's never been like this before? Cartman: No, Chef has always been super-cool. Chef: I'm gonna make love to the children. Dr. Neeland: He's pretty brainwashed all right. Worst case I've ever seen. Cartman: So what can we do?? Dr. Neeland: I'm afraid there's no simple answer. When somebody's brainwashed it can take months, even years, to reverse the process. Kyle: But we don't have years! If Chef keeps this up, he's gonna go to jail forever! Dr. Neeland: Tell me, what was Chef's favorite thing to do before it was having sex with children? Stan: Having sex with women. Dr. Neeland: Then that's it. We'd better get your friend to the Peppermint Hippo right away. Peppermint Hippo. The place is busy with pole dancers doing what they do best and so on. DJ: All right guys, be sure to tip the waitresses; this is two for one; put your hands together, this is Monique! Chef: long-haired blonde tries to excite him Aw, come on, children. Let's go home. Stan: This isn't working. Dr. Neeland: Well let's... give it some more time, kids. brunette is keeping him busy. Stripper: voice Would you like to daaance??? Kyle: No thanks. We're trying to unbrainwash our friend. Stripper: away Daaance??? Anybody wanna daaance??? Cartman: Come on, bitch! Dance! Blonde: Up yours, fatty. Cartman: Bitch, I'll twist your nuts off! DJ: All right guys, help me feel it out to them; we got a featured dancer coming out next; put your hands together for... Spontaneous Bootay! immense black stripper walks out, down the runway, and to the stripper pole, stout ough to hold her up. Chef leans his head to the right to get a better look. Stan: Come on guys, we might as well go. boys prepare to leave. The obese stripper can move, though, and Chef is interested. He drops the blonde off and approaches the stage Chef: God-damn! Stan: Chef, we're leaving. Dr. Neeland: Nono, wait. Let him go. moves closer and stands in awe of Spontaneous Bootay Spontaneous Bootay: up to Chef Come here, sugar. his face between her breasts and rattles it with them, then turns around and buries his face between her ass cheeks and rattles it with them as well. She releases him from their hold Chef: Wait a minute. Stan: He's remembering. Chef: Children! What have I done? Cartman: It's okay Chef. Go on, remember! Chef: I'm goinna- I'm gonna- Kyle: Come on, Chef! You can do it! Chef: I'm gonna make love to you woman, 'gonna lay you down by the fire! The Boys: Yay! Kenny: (Chef!) Chef: Hey children, everybody! I'm back! tranquilizer dart flies in on his left side and strikes him under the ear, behind the jaw, and his smile vanishes Ow. Mr. Connolly: Club is there Great shot, William! Hit him with another. dressed in outback gear, blows another dart out through a tube. This one lands in Chef's left arm Chef: Oh! groggy quickly and drops like a sack of potatoes. The Boys: Chef! Adventure Club, a stormy night Mr. Connolly: Tally ho, lads! I must say you're starting to become quite a thorn in my balls. Stan: Where's Chef?! What have you done with him?! Mr. Connolly: He's safe. a remote control. The main screen comes on and Chef is shown strapped down to a bed while William sits in a chair at its foot He's fasting in the Deprivation Room and being read the Super Adventure Club manual. We've got to undo the damage you've done. Cartman: Look: If you wanna go around the world molesting kids, that's totally fine. But why do you need Chef?! Mr. Connolly: We don't need him, he needs us! Our club offers hope. Do you think we go around the world molesting children just because it feels really really really really good?! No! Our club has a message! And a secret that explains the mysteries of life! Stan: Oh Jesus, here we go. Mr. Connolly: Very well. I'm now going to tell you the secret of the Super Adventure Club. Stan: We don't wanna hear it. Mr. Connolly: You see, the Super Adventure Club was founded by the greatest explorer of all time, William P. Phinehas! gregarious man with an open smile in the picture Phinehas climbed the highest peaks, tamed the mightiest rivers, shot of him climbing up a mountain but every time he got somewhere, he realized that other explorers had beat him to it. shot of Phinehas reaching a summit, only to find two Brits there, celebrating Phinehas was depressed, until he realized that if he couldn't be the first to discover places, he could be the first to have sex with the native children that inhabited those areas! with some Australian natives Phinehas quickly went down in history books as the first man to have sex with the Aborigine children at Uluru, and the first explorer to bugger all the underage mountainfolk of Nepal. shot of him with those kids But now the most wonderful part. You see, after having sex with all those children, Phinehas realized that... molesting all those kids... had made him immortal. Stan: Immortal? Mr. Connolly: He discovered that children have things called marlocks in their bodies. graphic of kid bodies appears, and bright dots dapple them and move around And when an adult has sex with a child, the marlocks implode, feeding the adult receptive cavity with energy that causes immortality, so saith the ruler of Bethos. blue monster alien with a bright red crown. Next shot, Phinehas in the gondola of a hot-air balloon with several boys Phinehas traveled the world, loving many, many children, and he lived for eternity. Until he was hit by a train in 1892. shot of Phinehas' body on the train's bumper Kyle: ...Do you realize how retarded that sounds? Mr. Connolly: Is it any more retarded than the idea of God sending his son to die for our sins? Is it any more retarded than Buddha sitting beneath a tree for twenty years? Stan: Yeah, it's way, way more retarded. |- !Mr. Connolly: |Well, now that you know our club secrets, it appears you ... leave us no choice. I'm afraid we're going to have to... ask you to leave. fanfare Stan: We're not leaving without Chef. Mr. Connolly: If you choose not to leave, then I'm afraid we're just going to have to ... call security and make you leave. fanfare You'll be let out by security and it will be super-embarrassing and everyone here will see! more and more sinisterly. Moments later... Okay, you know how like, when you want people to leave but they won't leave, it's really frustrating? Kyle: We're not going anywhere without Chef. Mr. Connolly: Cool people leave before they've overstayed their welcome. boys do not move You petulant fools! You just had to push it, didn't you? You don't realize who you're dealing with here. Security! officers come out and stand behind the boys Take these boys to the door. Guard 1: All right, come on kids. Kyle: No! Hey! Mr. Connolly: lights come on Haha! Look they're being led out by security! Haha! !Stan: one of the guards No, you don't understand! They've got our friend in the Deprivation Room! Guard 2: This is their house and they don't want you here. to push Stan out the door. Kyle grabs a bat from a nearby jar and whacks the second guard in the back and the first guard on the legs. They both fall. The boys run towards the Deprivation Room Kyle: Sorry, dude, but this fruity little club isn't taking our friend! Deprivation Room. William reads to Chef William: And sex with Eskimo children requires some special skills. boys break the door down Kyle: Chef, come on! Chef: Children! William: Get out of here! Cartman: Kenny! Spin Blossom Nut Squash! Kenny: himself into a spinning projectile (Yeeeeehah!) William's groin. William doubles over in pain Stan: up to Chef Come on, Chef! Chef: struggling I can't... break these locks. are solid locks indeed Kyle Here! up to the fallen William, gets a small ax from him, walks up to Chef and chops the locks open. They escape the Deprivation Room club's living room. The boys run through it on the way out Cartman: Run Chef! Mr. Connolly: to see what's happening What the-? Impossible! I made them leave! Kyle: Get outside! and the boys reach the front doors- Mr. Connolly: Stop them! leads the adventurers in the charge the club. Chef and the boys run out, heading for the bridge Chef: Children! Run! run to the other end of the bridge Mr. Connolly: Stop! group runs out of the club. Stan and the others reach the other side Stan: We made it! Mr. Connolly: out Don't you remember why you left South Park in the first place?? stops in his tracks Stan: Chef, come on! Mr. Connolly: You sought adventure! And why do people seek adventure? Because their lives have become dull and empty! Kyle: Yeah, he wanted adventure! Not a bunch of ridiculous bullcrap! Right Chef? hesitance shoes a dilemma Chef? Mr. Connolly: Don't forget all your training, Chef! Stay with us and your life will be GRAND and ETERNAL! Stan: softly Chef, we love you. Chef: eyes shift back and forth with his thoughts I'm sorry children. and walks towards the club Kyle: No! Chef, they've filled your head with lies! Can't you see that?? Chef: at Mr Connolly, Mr Connolly, you can take your Super Adventure club and all that bull shit, and Shove it up your ass. The BOYS: Yay!! Mr. Connolly: Chef! You are making a big mistake, your only chance to become full of hope and Eternal is here with us! Stan: Dude Shut the Fuck Up! Kyle: Yeah, Chef made up his mind, and he's coming with us. Chef: Come on Children, lets go home. his back on the Super Adventure Club and starts to walk back towards the boys, Mr Connolly: fierce flash of lightning tears the bridge in two, right behind Chef. Fire leaps on him and he screams NO! club end of the bridge smashes into the cliff, while Chef smashes into the cliff close to the boys The Boys: Chef! tries to scramble up the bridge, but the fire is too fast and consumes it. He almost literaly loses his grip on the bridge. The boys quickly climb down the Bridge down to him to help. Stan: Hang on Chef! club members approach the edge of the cliff. And watch as the boys form a lader trying to reach Cher on the weakened bridge, with Kyle at the very bottom reaching out for Chef's hand. Chef: Children! Kyle: Chef! Grab my hand! Chef: I can't Reach! struggles to reach for Kyles hand, but is unable to do so, he screams as the fire consumes him, much to the boys horror. Stan: Chef! Cartman: Kenny Operation put out fire delta 6! Kenny: (Right) climbs back up to the cliff and quickly jogs into the jungle where he jumps inside a near by river while his entire jacket soaks up with water. Chef: I can't hold on much longer Children, get back to South Park, Cartman: Forget it! Stan: We're not leaving without you Chef! Chef: Children I love you all too, but if you stay here the your going to fall to your doom along with me, please, please just go! the fire soon begins to weaken the wood as its about to crack. Kyle: We were going to save you from this Fruity little clup and that's what we're going to do! quickly races back towards the cliff and jumps from the top where he falls down towards Chef's level where he grabs onto Kyles hand, and he starts wacking his body against Chef's attempting to put out the flames, with his soak and wet jacket. Flames start to weaken on Chef's body giving him finally enough strength to look up at Kyle one last time. Kyle: Your going back to South Park, do you hear me. Reach!! with all his might and Kenny on his back, finally reaches and grabs Kyles hand, as the board he stepped on broke off, causing him to dangle, while holding on to Kyle. Mr Connolly: We can't lose another member, kill the Boys! marksman aims and fires strike Cartman's grip on the upper bridge. Cartman: Shit! Marksman That's our member you little shits! twice, but the kids and Chef are unaffected as they try to Pull Cher back up the ladder. Marksman: angry and fires four more times, as the boys are able to climb back up the ladder and were now on the verge of pulling Cher up on the ledge. Ya piece of shits one last time, bullet strikes Chef in the arm. Chef: Ahhh Damnit! Boys: Chef! quickly help Chep to his feet as they run away from the club. Mr Connolly: This isn't over Boys! You bet on your fucking balls, Chef will be back! We promise you! He will return to the Super Adventure Club! inside the Super Adventure Club with the other club members to South Park, where camera shows Hells Pass Hospital. The Boys are shown waiting in the waiting room, before a doctor comes out and looks at them. Stan: How is he doc? Dr: He's going to be fine, it may take a few months for the burns on him to fully heal, but he should pull through. Cartman: SHould, Fuck Should, he will pull through! Kyle: Cartman nows not the time for this now. Dr: He is willing to speak with you when your ready. Boys quickly enter Chef's room, as he is shown on a hospital bed wrapped up in all kinds of bandages while lying down on a bed. Chef: Hello there children. Kyle: The Dr says your going to be okay, thank god. Chef: The Dr is right Children, I probably might be gone from school for a couple of months, but at least I'm not dead. Stan: Angry I swear that Fruity fuckin club better not show their faces around here again, other wise their going to be Fucking sorry! Cartman: Word. Kenny: (Damn straight.) Chef: Now listen boys, I really appreciate that you are pissed off on what that club put me through, but you gotta think children, the minute you go pounding on those perverted ass wholes is the minute they win against us, you 4 will be paying the ultimate price, while they get away with anything. Kyle: But Chef, we can't let this go! God damn it they even shot at ya for fuck sake. Chef: That's just anger talking Kyle, promise me, children that you will never take revenge on the Super Adventure Club. Boys are angry, and silent for a second as they look at one another, before looking back up at Chef, they sigh with annoyance. Kyle: Okay Chef, you win, we will try... To let this go. Stan: As long as those ass holes don't set a foot in this town, then maybe, just maybe I won't snap and end up in Juvie for the rest of my life. Kenny: (Fine, I'll do it too!) Cartman: as he sees the condition Chef is in until, Kyle whacks his shoulder. Okay, Chef I too also promise to never get revenge on the Super Adventure Club. Chef: I'm really proud of you Children of the Return of Chef Category:South Park Era Category:PROJECT Transcripts Category:Fan Fics